I’m moving

It was a long time coming but it’s finally official.
I have 30 days to vacate my residence.

The house which I’ve called home for 8 years will soon become a place in my past. The owner put the house up for sale last summer, something which was long in the making. They were beyond ready to sell this place.

I came home after a day at my temp job followed by a social call with a friend.  Not soon after I dumped my bag on the bed and started getting online, my roommate comes to the room and says, “Breaking news, the house has been sold”.

Shock.
Not that I didn’t see it coming but it had been so long that I put it out of my mind.

I have the next 30 days to decide where my next adventure will begin. This has been a long chapter that I’ll be happy to leave behind for so many reasons but not without some sentimental reflection. Eight years of my life was consistently spent in this house. In fact, I moved into this house the weekend of my birthday of 2004. Seems so long ago.

At this moment, I do not have the answers I seek.
Who, what, where, and why.

All I know is the when.
The last possible when.

The answers will appear. I just hope it’s sooner than later.

neglect

The voice I once had is much quieter today. Months have passed without a word, no interest, no motivation, and no idea how to continue.

This website feels like a reflection of my life currently: without clear direction. The need to write has faded. I like to be heard but I’m not sure if this medium can truly represent what I say.

A change will come before I’m ready.
2011 will bring new challenges I’ve never faced before.

beginnings and endings

The worst part of a new beginning is the final ending. Some beginnings have no end; some endings follow no true beginning.

I was a struggling English student throughout my education. Somewhere between the beginning of elementary and ending of intermediate school, the struggles I dealt with grew incrementally. I was even placed in a Reading class in 7th grade while many of my friends went into honors classes. Reading class was only for those who were struggling and was not required.

While it made me feel rather stupid, I knew I could easily make A’s in this class. There was no way I would struggle that much in a class of people I considered to be below me intellectually.

I was wrong.

I was more in tune with books as a kid, reading many which I remember enjoying. Even today I can recall various visual scenes I made up in my mind for some of the stories. However, the last time I really remember enjoying a book while in public education was in 8th grade. I vaguely remember reading certain stories which were mildly entertaining. It wouldn’t be long now.

By high school, I knew I wasn’t going to excel in this area of study. The required readings I was forced to commit to in English classes never satisfied me. Unfortunately for my education, my lust for video games had set in. Sitting still to comprehend static text was not even a passing thought if I wasn’t reminded.

I forced myself into the honors English class my freshman year of high school. For two years, I endured this ongoing struggle for several reasons: to be around peers better and smarter than me, to be around those who would challenge me, many of my friends were in these classes, and I needed to challenge myself.

By my junior year, I ended my personal challenge. Sophomore English class killed me, leaving me scarred with three D’s. It was time to end my suffering and take the personal hit. My pride in English, of what I even had left, was pretty much shot. While I didn’t want to let go for so many reasons, and while there are probably many reasons I should have continued this challenge, it was in my best interest to move on.

I tried hard to make it work. My timing wasn’t always great, I procrastinated a lot, and my test scores reflected this. I made mistakes which I wish I hadn’t, but I struggled to change my circumstances. Sadly, I just wasn’t meant to be great at English but I have slowly improved over the years.

It wasn’t a fun choice to leave the honors English track but I needed to make a change that was good for me. I was too stressed being in the same situation again and again and it left me unhappy. Since high school, I gained a huge appreciation for the English language because of my decision. I almost regret not continuing on with honors English but I knew at the time it was right for me.

I don’t always know when the right time for me to let go and move on is but I try my best to make my life work for me. The unintentional endings I’ve experienced through my life have been unfortunate but I’ve grown into a better person because of them. I just hope I know that doing the right thing doesn’t always mean doing the best thing for everyone.

Out of a sad ending will come a beautiful beginning. My improvement and understanding of the English language into my 30′s is proof that it doesn’t need to completely end. It just needed to change, this change allowed me to appreciate it more, and I found a new way to invigorate myself to improve my writing, reading and understanding.

I hope I can apply this lesson throughout the rest of my life.