This website feels like a reflection of my life currently: without clear direction. The need to write has faded. I like to be heard but I’m not sure if this medium can truly represent what I say.

A change will come before I’m ready.
2011 will bring new challenges I’ve never faced before.

I was a struggling English student throughout my education. Somewhere between the beginning of elementary and ending of intermediate school, the struggles I dealt with grew incrementally. I was even placed in a Reading class in 7th grade while many of my friends went into honors classes. Reading class was only for those who were struggling and was not required.

While it made me feel rather stupid, I knew I could easily make A’s in this class. There was no way I would struggle that much in a class of people I considered to be below me intellectually.

I was wrong.

I was more in tune with books as a kid, reading many which I remember enjoying. Even today I can recall various visual scenes I made up in my mind for some of the stories. However, the last time I really remember enjoying a book while in public education was in 8th grade. I vaguely remember reading certain stories which were mildly entertaining. It wouldn’t be long now.

By high school, I knew I wasn’t going to excel in this area of study. The required readings I was forced to commit to in English classes never satisfied me. Unfortunately for my education, my lust for video games had set in. Sitting still to comprehend static text was not even a passing thought if I wasn’t reminded.

I forced myself into the honors English class my freshman year of high school. For two years, I endured this ongoing struggle for several reasons: to be around peers better and smarter than me, to be around those who would challenge me, many of my friends were in these classes, and I needed to challenge myself.

By my junior year, I ended my personal challenge. Sophomore English class killed me, leaving me scarred with three D’s. It was time to end my suffering and take the personal hit. My pride in English, of what I even had left, was pretty much shot. While I didn’t want to let go for so many reasons, and while there are probably many reasons I should have continued this challenge, it was in my best interest to move on.

I tried hard to make it work. My timing wasn’t always great, I procrastinated a lot, and my test scores reflected this. I made mistakes which I wish I hadn’t, but I struggled to change my circumstances. Sadly, I just wasn’t meant to be great at English but I have slowly improved over the years.

It wasn’t a fun choice to leave the honors English track but I needed to make a change that was good for me. I was too stressed being in the same situation again and again and it left me unhappy. Since high school, I gained a huge appreciation for the English language because of my decision. I almost regret not continuing on with honors English but I knew at the time it was right for me.

I don’t always know when the right time for me to let go and move on is but I try my best to make my life work for me. The unintentional endings I’ve experienced through my life have been unfortunate but I’ve grown into a better person because of them. I just hope I know that doing the right thing doesn’t always mean doing the best thing for everyone.

Out of a sad ending will come a beautiful beginning. My improvement and understanding of the English language into my 30′s is proof that it doesn’t need to completely end. It just needed to change, this change allowed me to appreciate it more, and I found a new way to invigorate myself to improve my writing, reading and understanding.

I hope I can apply this lesson throughout the rest of my life.

What’s crazy is I remember my dad turning 40 and my time is not too far ahead of me. He had a pretty big, somewhat extravagant party. It was probably the biggest birthday party my family had when I was growing up.

I don’t remember having too many parties as a child. I do remember maybe one or two, at which only about 5-10 kids showed up. They were nice but I was one of the least popular in my school so not many kids even wanted to come over.

This didn’t really change in middle or high school either. During my sophomore year, my mom did her best to put together a surprise birthday party for me. I believe only 3-4 people showed up. It’s not that I didn’t have friends, but it was confirmation not to throw my own birthday parties.

Since high school, birthdays have always been a somewhat private event. It’s not that I don’t like celebrating or going out. Much of the problem lies in the timing. May is a busy time for students to prepare for finals and going home for the summer. So there really never was an opportune time to publicly celebrate.

I find that the best way to celebrate my life is to be happy knowing that I can continue doing what I always do. Maybe it would be a little different if my closer friends lived near me, I dunno.

I don’t take pity on myself or feel sadness that I’m not a big birthday person. I feel a sense of comfort that I’m still alive, I feel younger than my age, and I don’t have to worry about organizing anything.

Do I prefer a personal, self-involved birthday? All I will say is that I’m happy to be alive. Who could really ask for more?

I can’t tell you the last time I bought myself a CD for any reason. Maybe this is the beginning of a wave of price changes. But sadly, I’m pretty sure the people who will ultimately suffer are the musicians signed with these labels. It’s one of the main reasons I like going to concerts.

We met a couple of my friends along with two of their friends who showed up. Got VIP passes which literally meant nothing special. It was just a special trip to the 4th floor where we had private access to another bar and kitchen. Meh.

We got GA tickets so we had to stand in the back. It was still very nice to be there, however. Seeing Pee Wee in person was more or less a childhood dream. Not that I ever had a fantasy to meet him when I was young but I DID get a lot of the Pee Wee toys that were out for my 10th birthday. I still even have the playhouse!

If you’d never seen the TV show or movies, you’d think this guy is on drugs or something. I can totally get how his humor seems ridiculous from the outside. But, since we were all fans there, the whole show was really great! The funniest part for me was that he took the whole thing really seriously. It’s as though his show never ended!

What I didn’t realize until after the show tonight is many of his scenes and bits used in this show were taken right out of his show he put on at the Groundlings and Roxy so many years ago. You can find different clips of those shows on Youtube.

He appropriately made fun of his brush with the law so many years ago by saying he was wearing an abstinence ring! As he was showing it to the audience, he starts pumping his fists. There was a whole bit about it and the audience was cracking up.

We got to sit in on the last 20 minutes of a Q&A session too. It’s neat to see him talking as Paul and not just Pee Wee. He seems generally excited about everything going on. He thanked his fans a lot and was so happy that he gets to hear the feedback from everyone now. He said when he was doing the show so many years ago he was so busy he never got to really talk to the fans.

You can tell he knows he’s lucky. Either that or he’s putting on a damn good show. He was born to entertain and is brilliant at what he does.

I didn’t get to meet him personally but I did meet the King of Cartoons up close. Saw a couple other of his actors up close, too.

It was great reliving my childhood for one night. :o)

This year has felt like a never-ending work in progress. It usually feels like once I accomplish one thing, there’s still 100 more things that need to be accomplished. I feel like I have a ton of works in progress without any end in sight for some and a close finish for others. My head sometimes swirls at what the next task should be.

My desktop PC finally started taking a turn for the worst this year and I lived without Windows for close to 2 months. As much as I enjoy using OS X, it was torture to experience this since all of my personal files, email, etc. are stored on my desktop. So during those two months, I lived in anticipation. I was eagerly waiting for a time when my desktop would be completely up and running. This confirms why I can’t switch completely over to a Mac. It’s great but it doesn’t have what I need right now… yet.

I also started having phone troubles as well. My ringer stopped working, I couldn’t sync to and from my computers. Trying to do something became a chore sometimes when I had to wait for my technology to catch up to me. Right now, as I type, half of my personal photos are on one computer and half are on the other.

In the meantime, while I live through my own mental holocaust, I’ve kept myself busy keeping afloat with projects, work, and business opportunities. The horizon has potential but I need to get past this virtual hump as soon as possible.

This is the main reason why my website has no direction, no updates, and is halfway designed. I never really completed tweaking this design because many other things suddenly became more important. You can even see my Flickr account has gone untouched for nearly a year, when I came back from Moscow. Leaving these things in disarray is another form of madness I deal with, but at least I’m am not too obsessive about these things. I can live with it to a point.

Hopefully while I make slow but steady marks and knock out rebuilding my digital life, I can dedicate more time to this site. I miss expressing myself like I did when I first started this website. It’s amazing how far I’ve really come since 2002, when I started a little blog on asuh.com.

It’s funny really. Some days I go longer wearing no shirt than actually wearing one. I could easily blame my shirtlessness on the dry heat of the San Fernando Valley in the midst of a heatwave and years long drought. Working from home allows me the luxury of a relaxed dress code. But no, alas, the heat is only a moderate factor to my lack of attire.

More than two years have passed since the routine of a job. Spending all that time in front of a computer at work was draining. I remember a time when I wanted my freedom, to do what I felt like, to be in a selfish position laying out the foundation for my musical career. Two years on and I have taken only moderate strides in that direction.

Lately, my time is devoted to web design and Skype. Looking ahead to next month’s bills is my new free time and finding new monetary revenues is my job. Since losing the regularity from my part-time work earlier this year, I try daily to build a new avenue which shall become my routine. Working for yourself can be a chore for this reason.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m destined to become the mid-life crisis, the dupe who gets scammed, the alarmist who believes in wrong message, the mule who won’t back down. When I realize what positions I take, when I listen to myself talk sometimes, I almost can’t believe it. Stepping out of your own mind and listening to your own voice can be daunting.

I find myself in a curious position of not knowing what comes next. I just hope when I get there my shirt still fits.