If my college years were the time to make something of myself, my twenties are the time to live selfishly. I didn’t follow the path many of my peers and friends have. I spent the first 25 years of my life doing what was mostly expected of me without much debate or question. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I realized my twenties are quickly about to pass without me living a life I see myself living.

I say living “a life” instead of “the life” for a reason. I don’t see myself living one life, “the life”, doing something for the rest of my life. I see myself doing many things, living many lives and enjoying many passions and desires.

When I moved to Los Angeles in 2004, I moved from my comfort zone to the front lines of my ambitions. I stepped out of that which I knew (everything in Texas, everyone I knew) to a place where nothing was familiar. All for a dream. All on a whim. All for everything and anything.

I had no real plans, no real decisions to make, nothing to push me in any certain direction except my degree, my passions and my desires. I was open to anything, hoping for everything, and expecting nothing. Now, treading the beginning of a new year, I realize I’m barely further than I was in 2004.

I decided after a couple of years of being here it was time to live like I was in my twenties. I’ve become more selfish, doing more things I want and pushing responsibility and obligation as far away as I can without it bringing me down. I’ve started to seek out social activities such as dating, something I’m still quite unfamiliar with and don’t know what it really feels like to be with someone I want.

I’ve resigned from security and comfort to pursue the untamed and out of reach. I don’t want a typical life; I want the extraordinary life. “The man” has no more control over me. Not right now. I’m living for me.

I spend my free time dreaming about a music career, a photojournalistic life, a performance to inspire, a production of success, a listing on a site. I see so much for me and I want it all.

2008 will test my will and force my hand.
2008 will reveal my discipline.
2008 will show my weaknesses.

I can afford to be young and stupid, to be twenty-something as long as I want but I need to push myself to live the lives I want to live. I hope I can push myself, turn away from distractions and stay motivated.

No regrets.

I went to a church service where, I guess at the time, I thought he was a member. They didn’t even speak of his name. So I went back to my church where they had already discussed the matter. It was a car wreck and he was the victim. All that talent, all those songs which he wrote, now part of his legacy cut short. What was I to do?

I then remember hearing another friend of mine was killed. Next thing I knew I was standing on the road side, seems like it was somewhere along I-45 north of Houston. I remember seeing a cross and her picture. Such a young life taken and so much potential lingering. What was I gonna tell her father? How could I face her family?

It was then I woke up. This all seemed so real. I could swear everything had happened. Before I woke up, I remember visiting a website where it shared how he died. There was a link below his usual information and said he had been killed. That was so weird. But it wasn’t real. It couldn’t have been.

Just to prove my mind was playing tricks on me, I immediately got online like I usually do after waking up. My homepage is set to the Houston Chronicle and that’s the first page I saw. It was approximately 12:07pm MST. The spaceship Columbia had blown up, it went through the sky like a fallen star, all passengers aboard were dead.

I was startled when I read this. I immediately turned my TV on to CNN to check and see what happened. I saw the reruns of amateur videos of the spacecraft falling apart in the sky over North Texas. That was so unreal; visions of the Challenger exploding entered my mind.

Now knowing that something tragic had actually happened, I had to go verify my thoughts about my two friends who I dreamed were killed. I visited the same website that I visited in my dream. No sign of anything bad. What a relief.

My imagination led me to believe something that wasn’t real, but my mind wanted me to feel it to be too real. It was ironic to have such a dream on such a morning where such tragedy happens. I usually don’t remember many of my dreams, but one conclusion that I’ve discovered is that my dreams usually are the opposite of reality. So basically, those two people who were killed should be fine. If I ever have one of my dreams come true, I would pee my pants.