I briefly took a class at the University of Colorado at Denver that met a few times in a small conference room with a round wooden table surrounded by eight chairs. I remember my first day, walking into this conference room just minutes before we began talking. There was a professor in the power seat and four of us filling the remaining chairs.

In such an intimate setting, I point my eyes down towards my personal space and reach for something to make myself look busy such a my calendar and a pen. Sometimes I’ll look at my notes, sometimes the text book, sometimes I’ll just play with my phone like I’m texting someone or just reviewing who called me.

For some reason, as I’ve done ever since I can remember, I don’t ever let myself into a situation like this and be social. Speaking first is uncomfortable, it’s vulnerable and it allows other people to form an opinion about you.

When the professor begins speaking, she decides to go around the table and let us introduce ourselves to the rest of the students. I look around sporadically, making sure my eyes never meet with other eyes while the professor speaks before being instructed that I am second. From that point, I review the circumstance repeatedly knowing that as soon as the neighbor to my right is finished, I would begin speaking about myself. I am asked to give my name, my major and my residency.

This is one of many typical situations where I am anticipating the moment that all eyes shift from the speaker’s pupils to my pupils. The thought of eyes looking at me, judging me and giving me undivided attention sends my body into a panic. My heart beats increasingly faster. I know the moment is upon me, inevitable, and there’s no escape.

The moment arrives. I collect my thoughts, any which are left from all the white noise in my brain. The panic, the nervousness; it sends my heart into overdrive. I open my mouth, tensing my body so that I speak clearly, logically and without any sign of being embarrassed or nervous. The blood flowing through my upper body begins to make its way through the vessels on my face.

I say my name. The temperature is rising.

I say my major. The heat from my blood flows quickly through my vessels, causing blood traffic to rise in my face. My face suddenly begins to turning a shade of pink within a matter of seconds. My brain realizes something is going on, senses my body is heating up in several places and begins stimulating the sweat glands. My face turns from pink to red.

I finish with my location in which I dwell. The glands secrete tiny beads of sweat around by body, visible on the forehead as I begin to reflect the light traveling throughout the room.

When I’m done, the professor says I’m very red, that she’s never seen anyone get so red before. Embarrassed by now, I acknowledge that I’m red but that it’s no big deal and I’m not nervous.

Did I lie to her? That’s a difficulty that I struggle with even today. Situations which cause me to tense up like this can happen at any moment, and yet I don’t consider myself to be a nervous person.

I don’t have social anxiety. I’ve spoken in front of groups of people many times without this typical reaction. I even enjoy being the center of attention. It’s fun when people are watching and listening knowing that I’m entertaining them. Despite this, I have trouble with regulating my anxiety when I anticipate people looking at me.

I’ve taken interpersonal communication courses, I’ve been through public speaking lectures and I know how to approach situations like this so that I’m in top form. Even when I’m apparently embarrassed and red as a fire truck, I try to practice proper speaking techniques such as looking people in the eyes. I even know to look around, not to spend more than several seconds in one person’s eyes. I try to give all of my audience attention, knowing that it’s the best way to keep their interest.

My biggest trouble with being shy is and has always been striking up a conversation with a complete stranger. When I’m in a room full of people, whether it’s a party or social gathering, and I have no idea who anyone is I am usually shut off. That’s not to say I keep to myself or look like I’m bored. I always look around at other people, waiting for someone else to speak to me before I speak to him or her.

Being introduced makes it easier to speak to a stranger, but knowing that there are many others who I don’t know might prevent me from going too far with anyone else. It can be uncomfortable going to parties where I know one or two other people and where they are always busy with their guests or friends. What do I say? How do I act?

Striking up a conversation is a burden; it’s uncomfortable. It means I have to be the first to give an impression that might look stupid or come off the wrong way. Rejection is such a harsh reaction, so bad sometimes that it’s better to not face the possibility at all.

Yet, when people strike up a conversation with me I am hardly ever negatively judgemental of them. In fact, it puts me at ease and decreases any tension which might have built up from being quiet and uncomfortable. I kinda respect them for making the move because it was so hard for me to think about it. They face the possibility of rejection and blow it off like it’s an ex-boyfriend.

Overcoming shyness won’t happen for everyone. I don’t see myself being a regular Type-A personality anytime in my life, but I have my moments. I do push myself, force myself to make a first move or to get out of my mental bubble. It’s such a struggle sometimes that the thought of leaving my personal comfort zone can freak me out a little. Another large part of me, however, strives for overcoming this behavior in everyday situations.

As long as I continue to see myself as a social being, I will continue to fight my shyness. I guess I’ll never know the true reason why I am the way I am, but I will choose to learn from it.

• I’m grinding my teeth a lot. I don’t know whether I’m impatient or anxious. When I’m up against stress, I grind my teeth. It’s been an on off thing I’ve done throughout my life, never as serious as I think it might be now. I think it’s a new habit that I am ready to break. Am I nervous?
• The last few months since returning from Houston have been less productive than I’d like. I am, however, very proud that I have accomplished what I have. I set out goals a couple of years ago and have been pretty on target for everything I wanted. It was these goals I knew I could accomplish. My moment of truth is quickly approaching.
• I have forced myself to buy mostly food that requires time and effort to prepare it. It’s a little annoying when I am hungry and want the quick carb fill, but I am determined to eat healthier. I’d much rather get into the habit while I’m not in bad shape than when I’m old and overweight. I need to find a happy medium. Sometimes it’s quite annoying when I can’t even find one thing to snack on that doesn’t require so much effort.
• I will probably make only 2 more trips this year, most likely being away again for about a month. I want more travel but this is the best I can do right now.
• Last year, I made a personal commitment to exercise. It began slowly but worked its way into a regular, habitual practice by the beginning of this year. Since then, I’ve quit my job and am now where I was before I started exercising. I have a bicycle and a roommate who will force me to go. I hope to make a better, more practical commitment to exercise. I miss it.
• Since the beginning of the year, I’ve had a huge indie music kick which has been so refreshing. Sigur Ros is my current obsession.
• I’m finally a few chapters into Harry Potter book 7. Once again, much longer than I had hoped.
• If I could afford my own place, I totally would move. I’m kinda ready.
• it’s very unlikely that I will go internationally bound this year. I was hoping that I could make something happen but there’s just no way for me to afford it right now. That makes me sad.
• I’ve had a really nice summer full of travel, reconnection, and renewal. I’m winding down on a few last web design projects and in talks to begin some new opportunities. There is a lot waiting for me, a lot I want to do and it’s only the beginning. I need to set my forward momentum at a pace that I have to sprint towards. It’s looking really good from here on out. I haven’t felt this kind of excitement in a while.

Room 5 sits just above Amalfi on Le Brea. I arrived a few minutes late only to find out his performance didn’t start until 8:30. Already, it being 10 past 8, the room was completely full with every seat taken. But the crowd slowly filled out. By the end of his performance the place was more than overcrowded. Sweat was dripping down my armpits as the temperature rose several degrees. My body is already too hot as it is.

I went to support my friend. I enjoy going to see my friends do what makes them happy. This night did not disappoint. Standing tall and peering over several people, I clung to a column as I watched six guys sing their hearts out. My friend had two solos throughout the performance, but you knew this was only one of many performances. Sadly, his mic was too quiet.

If you’ve never heard a boy band or barbershop quartet, the one thing you are missing out on is voices that harmonize in such a way that it makes your arm hair stand straight up. These six guys had a really exciting stage presence, with beautiful harmony throughout each song.

A thirty-five minute performance ended with a very desired encore. The room, full of the best and worst of hollywood, cheered and shouted for more. This was just one night, everyone knew what they wanted and the following musicians waited their turns to make their impressions.

“They’ve got nothing on you,” texted one guy to his friend. Whoever he was talking to must have been in the game for a while because this group I watched was so on last night.

Following the encore, we preceded downstairs to have drinks. I became my usual self, standing alone, checking my phone for text messages and doing whatever was necessary to look like I wasn’t bored or alone. It wasn’t before too long that I met some mutual friends who were there supporting the same friend I was. So small talk and minutes passed as I waited for our next move.

Red Rock on Sunset is a popular place for drinks. On any given night, you’ll find a typical collection of the west coast attitude; girls who dress to look their finest and guys who arrive for their drinks and sights. I stood around for about thirty minutes waiting on the group to arrive. I felt the need to make sure that I wasn’t alone; ordering a drink when no one I recognized is kinda sad, and I definitely didn’t want to be seen as desperate. However, this was a good night for me. I got several looks from the ladies but did not grow large enough testicles to make any moves.

Several drinks and good conversations later, it was time to call it a night. I’m proud of myself for how much I spent. Even if it wasn’t for parking meters on Sunset, I spent the least I’ve ever spent going out in Hollywood: $1.40 and a few gallons of gas. I paid for not one of my drinks (I had four and a half total). When it comes to living the frugal life in hollywood, it’s all about who you’re with and what you do. It’s not impossible, but it takes a little strategy.

I’ve never been much of a fan of dance clubs. I don’t know how to dance without looking stupid. I feel awkward going up to girls who I don’t know. There are so many excuses I can make for why I’ve never gone clubbing very much.

I feel like the one fun person who doesn’t have fun sometimes. I’m all about being with friends, partying and enjoying my company. But I’m often uncomfortable in social situations where I don’t have much control or feel as though I’m not very desirable. And that’s precisely what clubs make me feel like.

I also haven’t been clubbing too often with fellows who are around my age, mostly just my gal friends who are strictly platonic. And being out with platonic lady friends at a club is really just a waste of time since you’re not the focus of their desires.

So why do I put myself in situations where the outcome is usually against my favor? Because I love going out and being social. I love music. I love the lights. I love watching humans and how they interact. I love laughing and smiling and feeling good.

[wow, I didn't realize Stevie Wonder had so many hits that I know but didn't realize they were his. Superstition, Sir Duke, I Just Called to Say I Love You...]

Being out and about is essential to me. I need my alone time, where I can have self-reflection and get personal things done but being amongst friends and just taking in the evening is a such a wonderful feeling. I feed off of other people who bring out the best in me, and getting crazy in public is a wonderful way of releasing yourself.

I’m much more of a bar person than a club person. But if I had my choice, I’d probably just stay at home with friends and relax. Low key is nice after a long, busy weekend of social distractions.