knowing i’m better, but am i?

I can be so judgemental sometimes. And most of the reason for this is because I silently see something that I think I can do better. This happens so often and it makes me so negative towards people. I get upset sometimes when someone is acting a certain way and won’t change or won’t see it my way.

I admit that I might not always be right, but the way I analyze things comes from a very logical/practical mindset mixed with my personal experience. I take what I know I can do, what I know about life, and apply it to all situations that I go through or see others go through. Maybe we’re all this way. We all think we’re better than everyone else.

But my complex is deeper in some way, a lot of it being musically. I’ve been a musician for much of my life but not really a practicing musician. More of a sideline kind of guy. I enjoy watching and listening and feeling the music. In my head, however, I analyze music and break it down. I hear the bad pitches and wrong notes and bad vibrato and tones. I think to myself, “Why have I never challenged myself to compete with these people? I could kick their butts”.

I’m the only person who keeps holding myself back.

I’ve used being shy as an excuse for so long. I’ve never sought out others who could help me for one reason or another [insert poor excuses here]. But I’ve also had different agendas or ideas than others about how I should do things for myself and it’s kept me from going anywhere. I don’t want to just learn the piano and sing by myself. I need some guidance and help from others, but I’m too shy to seek out this help. Or too stubborn for their opinions. Most of it is being shy though. It scares me to try out new material in front of strangers at a random cafe when the spotlight is only on me while it’s possible that they might not like it. I can’t take this rejection very well. It’s pain and I hate pain.

When I’m at school, I’m the kid who keeps his mouth shut. I don’t talk to anyone because I don’t know who they are. Deep down inside, all I want is for someone to reach out and include me. Yet, sometimes I’ll still pull away for no reason when I’d rather they fight to include me. I think I have a stupid complex about the people I associate with sometimes, mostly when it’s with strangers. I don’t want to be the one who’s the center or attention at first but rather the one that people seek because of my wisdom or knowledge. It’s always then that I love being the center of attention. How can anyone desire to seek me when they have no idea what I know or what I can do.

This is my story with music. I have a lot of musical ambition, aspirations, but I’m too scared to sit down and try it out myself. I need to practice but it eventually bores me. I need to learn new songs but those take discipline.

If i intend to actually move on with my life in other directions, I must get over myself. Stop judging others and thinking I’m better and actually prove to people that I can do something. I lack confidence in myself. I can’t just start from scratch with nothing, so I need to build something before I move into other directions.

It’s funny thinking about this because I know what could happen. If I decided to finally pursue a life of musical performance, meaning a band or solo or whatever it is, I know tons of people who would be right there front and center to support me.

And that’s such a great feeling.
Motivational.