is it sad?

Is it sad that I haven’t left my house since last Sunday?

It’s funny really. Some days I go longer wearing no shirt than actually wearing one. I could easily blame my shirtlessness on the dry heat of the San Fernando Valley in the midst of a heatwave and years long drought. Working from home allows me the luxury of a relaxed dress code. But no, alas, the heat is only a moderate factor to my lack of attire.

More than two years have passed since the routine of a job. Spending all that time in front of a computer at work was draining. I remember a time when I wanted my freedom, to do what I felt like, to be in a selfish position laying out the foundation for my musical career. Two years on and I have taken only moderate strides in that direction.

Lately, my time is devoted to web design and Skype. Looking ahead to next month’s bills is my new free time and finding new monetary revenues is my job. Since losing the regularity from my part-time work earlier this year, I try daily to build a new avenue which shall become my routine. Working for yourself can be a chore for this reason.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m destined to become the mid-life crisis, the dupe who gets scammed, the alarmist who believes in wrong message, the mule who won’t back down. When I realize what positions I take, when I listen to myself talk sometimes, I almost can’t believe it. Stepping out of your own mind and listening to your own voice can be daunting.

I find myself in a curious position of not knowing what comes next. I just hope when I get there my shirt still fits.