I try to usually steer clear of topics of really personal matters especially concerning other people, but I find that sometimes they might be important to talk about openly. I am always pretty conscientious and careful of everything that I type on this website because I know I continually have a growing audience every month, thus I don’t ever want to give out too much personal feeling and thoughts. However, now is a rare occasion and I really think this is important to discuss openly.


Yesterday, I had a really awesome conversation with my friend Melissa, the same one with whom I went to Germany. We just talked about how we’d love to be able to move anywhere we wanted at any given time, and agreed on many related issues. It sucks not having enough money for things like that! That’s why I have to take random trips to Germany on a whim!

Eventually, she brought up the idea of going to Hollywood and LA to be a tourist, walk around Hollywood Blvd. and well, just see all of the sites around town. It’s been a long time since I’ve been that person, the awkward tourist wandering around snapping photos and just having a good time. So I thought it was a wonderful idea and am really excited about it.

Earlier in the conversation, she casually mentioned she keeps procrastinating sending her transcripts to a university and as I usually do I encouraged her to go get that done. I totally know the feeling of procrastination and sometimes a little push here and there can help motivate me, but sometimes not. After we finished our conversation, I later left a somewhat snide message for her insisting that she go get that transcript business done before she drives down here. It was written in some combination of my dry sarcasm mixed with a sorta controlling, helpful attitude, but truly was never meant to create a negative reaction. Well, I obviously said it in a way, in a tone that was demeaning, controlling, and blunt. She was very offended. I often say things that are pretty blunt without even realizing that I do it sometimes because unfortunately it’s become part of my nature, definitely something of which I need to be much more self-aware that I’m doing it because I know it very often hurts my friends and family’s feelings.

I really screwed up big time.

The background of this situation is that we’ve had many talks about schooling and the future and it has always been a difficult subject for her to discuss because of her being undecided. Oh boy, I absolutely know the feeling and how horrible of a state that is to be in! And I also remember how hard it was to talk to people when they asked me my major. All of my life people, especially my parents, would tell me to worry about picking a major later, that it wasn’t a big deal. I always took this to heart because college was the time for learning who I was, what I wanted to do, etc. Thus, it took me four years to finally decide upon a major and six years to actually graduate college. It was nice to finally put it behind me, or at least get that diploma on paper. However, I’m still not in any position that I’ve been able to take benefit for my education, and that’s still very frustrating at times.

Melissa has been very open with me about this next step in her life and how difficult such a decision is when she has no idea what to do and has many ideas of what she’d rather be doing. I’ve always tried to be supportive and encouraging to help her out, but I realize some of my support has been very self-driven and personal because I’d love to help her past her confusion knowing exactly how depressing it feels. Thus, I more often than I should become very pushy, possibly mean, and it’s enough that I know I should not continue talking anymore. I overstep the boundary and I end up regretting something I said or did. My last comment about insisting that she goes to get her transcripts sent later made me realize the pressure that I felt about going to college when I was younger.

If I could have my time back and do things over, I probably would not have immediately attended the university. It was such a big step, a big decision, one in which I never felt completely satisfied and ended up costing me thousands of dollars in loans. I can’t really regret going because, ultimately, I made my decision, but I regret letting the pressure get to me, making my decision based solely on money rather than my personal choice and thoughts and not knowing any better than I did. It’s difficult to say that I wasted my time for the first year and a half of my college education because I made so many memories and met some awesome friends with whom I still have contact and very much enjoy their friendships.

During the process of sending said message to her, I actually sat there and thought to myself whether I really should send the message or not, and against my own instinct and intuition, I sent it. My instincts warned me to not do it, but for whatever reason I saw it was another little “push” to help her along. However, the complete opposite reaction followed, a very negative “leave me the hell alone” attitude which, honestly, was completely justified on her part.

I created a big problem; I became the type of person I absolutely never want to be despite some of my efforts to avoid that. Melissa never asked for me to remind her about getting her transcripts sent, but I decided it was in my best interest to make her, like taking this kind of control would be beneficial or something. The interesting thing is, I have always been the kind of person who backs off of taking control of people’s lives. I do NOT want to be that “controlling boyfriend” kind of friend to any of my friends, male or female, (btw, we are not dating and are just good friends, no other intentions) because that’s so unhealthy and never leads to anything good. People usually do not need my help, they choose it. I must learn to keep this in mind when I try to help her and others out.

I’ve always decided in my mind that when my own kids decide to go to college, I will support their decision no matter what they choose, hoping that I can say the right things to help them make their choice. It really sucks to admit this but you can easily fall back into habits and ways of thinking that you have known all of your life no matter how hard you try to move on. The difficult part is learning how to change this behavior and actively learn from it to avoid making the same mistakes again. I was pushed into college, but I hope to never be the person who pushes something onto others whether they need my help it or not.

I’ve apologized to her about this kind of situation more than I should have, meaning I’ve committed this mistake more than once. It probably gets tiring to hear all of my “I’m really sorry”s that I continually say rather than getting over my own little personal issues. I’ve heard everything she’s told me concerning her feelings about going to college and choosing a major, many times in fact as we’ve had many wonderful, constructive conversations about this topic, yet I ignorantly decide to disobey my instincts and let my somewhat selfish thoughts out in an attempt to sound helpful or maybe even to initiate a little control.

Sometimes, it’s difficult listening to someone’s problems without wanting to make a choice to say something enlightening or encouraging at the risk of coming across as an ass or as overly pretentious. Many friends of mine have come to me with very similar situations of being undecided and I always love to tell of my experiences and try to help them out verbally in any form that I can. However, I realize that everyone is different and I need to be mindful of people’s feelings individually for each situation. I think my concern for people is somewhat selfishly motivated as I do not want them to make a mistake or regret their decision. So I try much harder to help out than I should sometimes, only to regret my actions. It’s hard to admit that you’re only in control of your own destiny and that others must make their own decisions and their own mistakes. Sometimes an ear is the best remedy to a problem, and the mouth is just a torch to the fire. I need to continue to listen and think carefully before speaking or I risk losing close friendships which I treasure.

I now have no expectations as to whether or not I will be playing tourist tomorrow in Hollywood, and I can’t assume that she still won’t feel upset or mad at me, but I ultimately hope for her forgiveness despite the outcome. It’s amazing how one sentence or even just a few words, when improperly timed and received or given, can change a situation almost completely to the opposite of what was once expected. The human brain is so amazing. I just hope my mind is full of joy rather than sorrow.

EDIT: 10:50am My mind is more full of sorrow right now than joy. I could only assume this would be the case. :(